Thirteen days. Just thirteen days, and I feel like my entire life has changed. Less than two weeks ago we walked out of the clinic, once again full of hope. And this time with our own little secret. We decided to transfer two embryos, and we also decided to keep that between the two of us. After everything we have been through, it was exciting to have something just between the two of us again. Maybe, if things worked out, we would even have a nice surprise for our families as well. This process has taken the surprises out of everything, unfortunately.
I was kind of giddy. I felt happy. Surely, if there’s two in there…at least ONE would stick. I felt like our chances this time were somehow exponentially better with two. For the first time this whole cycle, I really felt hopeful.
However, as each day passed, the world (my own and the one around me) started changing. Everyday, the CoVid 19 situation escalated. Walking out of the clinic after our transfer, I never would have guessed that problem would intersect with our infertility journey.
As the numbers of people affected by the virus grew, my hopes in my own situation started to fade. I started testing for pregnancy on day 4 post transfer. Negative. Day 5, negative. Day 6, 7, 8, 9, 10…negative. The happiness and hope I had felt leaving was quickly taken away as I started to realize that this cycle was going to be yet another failure.
At least I have my three frozen embryos waiting, right?
Then CoVid took that away as well. Our fertility clinic made the decision to hold all new cycles, and stop some current ones at the recommendation of the American Society of Reproductive Medicine. This is for an indefinite amount of time, and I suspect it will be months at minimum until we can start a transfer cycle. I learned today that will also be about a two month long process once it gets started, so we are looking at end of summer or fall before we can make any sort of progress.
Meanwhile the world jokes online about “corona babies” that will result from people self quarantining. As much as I hate to be the person online upset about something, I was really frustrated and hurt seeing all of those posts as I am mourning another loss in our world that I know does not align with everyone else’s.
And I know so many others that are mourning losses similar. To those of you cancelled in the start/middle of your cycle, to those who now have to wait months to start again, or start up, when you already feel as if time is not on your side, to those who have saved and spent thousands on what is now a wasted cycle…I see you. I feel for you. And my heart is broken for you as well. This is not fair, and in a situation that is already cruel, frustrating, and isolating, I am here for you if you need a shoulder.
To those who are not a victim of infertility, but have already been a victim to CoVid 19…whether that be job loss, financial insecurity, food insecurity, or loneliness from isolation. I am also here for you if you need. Please reach out.
To those of you working alongside me in the hospital, and are fearful due to the lack of equipment and the war we will soon be up against. I’m here for you, and I am standing beside you.
I realize that because of where the world is today, we are all mourning losses of some sort. We are all fearful of what the future holds, and these feelings may just get worse in the coming weeks.
My hope is that we all can be cognizant that each of us is up against something right now, and that hopefully we react with kindness instead of hate. That we hold each other up (metaphorically), and go out of our way to make the world a little bit better.
Stay safe everyone ❤️